“A Promise of Fire” by Amanda Bouchet

Oh sweet Jesus… this was painful, I tell you!

So this book revolves around our female protagonist (Cat) and how she’s got this special power that I understood fucking nothing about – but apparently allows her to tell truth from lies and some other shit that I had no care for (it makes her a ‘kingmaker’.)

Cat has been staying with a travelling circus where she would read people’s palms to earn some grub, but also because pretending that she was a fortune teller was a great cover (because she is VERYYYY sought after – EVERYONE just wants to use someone with her powers.)

I said to myself, ok then, that sounds alright, I guess it works. And it has worked for Cat, because she had been staying with that circus for YEARS.

Until the male protagonist enters the scene. Griffin is some big-shot warlord, or whatever, second in command to this kingdom that I cannot remember the name of. We come to understand that he’s been watching Cat for weeks, and he had a pretty good idea already that she was the kingmaker, so he simply enters her tent together with his three best friends and, after some bickering of back and forth, he kidnaps her. With a ‘magical rope’.

They then go off on a journey to reach the castle where his family is.

Marvellous.

I’m just going to positively go off now on how fucking much Cat annoyed me. Like… a lot.

She’s just so fucking stupid and immature, I thought she was a teenager, but noooo, she’s a woOmaaN, as Griffin liked to call her. I mean, she liked to think so highly of herself and she thought she was soooo clever!

“Your brother is loyal, but I think you already knew that.”

“Hmm.”

I scowl at the warlord. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I never said he was my brother.”

Damn it! Who stole my filters tonight?

Strike one, but you would think her ‘filters’ would go back to work after that slip, right? Since she’s soooo clever?

“Some Tarvan woman wants your head in exchange for Basil’s brother’s life.”

Shock vibrates through me. The words slipped out without my consent. I swear to the Gods I hadn’t even formed the thought before they were out there, hovering damningly between us. Who in the Underworld is in control of my mouth tonight, because it is not me!”

Strike two! And three, and four, and five…. her cleverness and filters failed throughout the whole book to be honest 🙄

I love how other reviewers call Cat a “kick-ass” strong heroine… oh my God, how delusional is everybody else?! She was so obviously just a rude and whiny bitch.

Her immaturity is bloody legendary because it will stay with me, sadly, for years 😩

For example, whenever someone said or did something she didn’t like, she either acted violently:

“Griffin does his best not to laugh—fails—and I kick him under the table.”

Or:

“I roll my eyes and make a rude hand gesture.”

To this day I don’t fucking know what that ‘rude hand gesture’ bloody is.

One of the guys is having a bit of a banter/flirt with her and she goes completely off:

“Don’t flirt with me.”

“Why not?” He sounds completely innocent. The rascal.

“Because I’ll kill you.”

So bloody dramatic, calm your arse 🙄

Whenever Griffin and she would kiss:

“My pulse going wild, stunned, I shove him and sputter, “Gross!”

Or:

“When he lets go, I come to my senses enough to cough out a “Yuck!”

Like… who the fuck says ‘yuck’ or ‘gross’ from a kiss? Certainly not a mature, grown woOmaaN.

She is the kidnapped person… she should be scared and trying to escape these guys right? Ah! Fat chance that, she just complains about the most stupid things:

“Find me fruit and bread, and I’ll consider being less of a pain. And no more goat cheese!”

“No more goat cheese! Whaa whaaa whaaaaa!” What a fucking baby 🙄

Even Griffin tells her:

“His voice rises, mimicking mine. “I hate this rope. I want bread. There’s no more fruit. It’s too bloody hot. Let me gooooo!”

She acts soooo strong and brave by saying shit like:

“I bend down and jerk on my boots. “No? Then just kill me and get it over with.”

And:

“It’ll be a cold day in the Underworld before I trust you.”

And:

“I would die a thousand horrific deaths before ever admitting to them.”

AND:

“I’d rather die, so don’t bother trying.”

Let me tell you something Cat, saying “I would let you kill me before I’ll do that blah blah blahhhh” to people that you know already would NEVER even harm a hair on you doesn’t make you look brave, just fucking stupid and with a big mouth that yaps bullshit.

“Griffin’s eyebrows slam down. “Cat—”

I pop up, brush myself off, and return to my bedroll without letting him finish.”

Seriously, calling her childish is now becoming offensive to children, because I’ve seen so many more mature and well-behaved kids than her.

But no, EVERYBODY fucking loves her, for whatever the reason. Griffin’s three best friends and soldiers just automatically like her and respect her (conveniently) from the bloody beginning. Also conveniently, as well as her having such POWERFUL magical abilities, she knows how to fight too!

“I release a puff of Dragon’s Breath and launch into a series of back flips while my nostrils still glow, leaving orange streaks in the air.”

Then, she teaches the guys how to fight! You know, the same guys that are in a bloody elite guards group that have spent their entire life battling and going on wars and training:

“Aim for the eyes. If it can’t see, it falls to its knees, panicked.”

No shit Cat! Wow, you’re so clever, I would NEVER have thought of aiming for the eyes!

But wait… the guys are actually surprised! They didn’t know that the eyes could possibly be a weak spot in an enemy!

“How do you know how to fight a Giant?” Kato looks impressed.

Satisfaction swells in my chest. I can’t help it. I like impressing people twice my size.”

Like… are we even serious here? Did they seriously not know about the eyes being a weak spot??

Lets also not forget what a fucking hypocrite she is. You see, she sasses and is sarcastic throughout the whole book, but ONE time one of the guys is sarcastic to her:

“I scowl at him. “Sarcasm is not favored by the Gods.”

Oh? And who do you think you are? Why are you the only one allowed to be sarcastic? She’s such an entitled bitch, seriously 😩

But wait, let me show you THE best quote from this book:

“Nerissa studies me over the rim of her wineglass. “Your bluntness is refreshing, Cat. Life is always so much simpler when people say what they really think.”

Ah! I see what’s happening here. Since she’s the protagonist of this beautiful novel, and it’s a rule that we HAVE to love the protagonist, we cannot possibly allow our brave and strong Cat to be called a petulant, annoying, immature bitch, can we? Nope! She is BLUNT. And everyone likes that. Everyone likes and appreciates her BLUNTNESS.

Gotcha.

I wonder if a secondary character would also be called blunt if they acted like Cat… 🤔

More like a CUNT… oops 🙊

So let me do you a favour guys, don’t waste your time reading the boring story of this BLUNT woOmaaN, because it gave me a couple of grey hair, and I don’t want that to happen to some other poor soul.

Oh? What is that you’re saying Cat?

“I roll my eyes and make a rude hand gesture.”

Ah yes, your eloquent vocabulary is always a charm to hear 😊

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